Mind Games

So the plan today was to run in intervals, which I like a lot better than just being asked to run/walk 1.5 miles -- I'm still in the early stages, so I prefer to be told when to run and when to walk rather than being left to my own devices like I will be on Thursday. 

I had to run one minute and walk one minute and 30 seconds in intervals for 30 minutes. Surprisingly, it was fairly easy. I did much better with controlling my breathing today than I did Sunday, so the running intervals went by fast. It felt like just as I was getting into my stride and starting to enjoy the run, it was time to walk again. My calves were on fire, and my ankles were a bit sore, but I suppose that's to be expected when you're lugging around almost 200 pounds. I know it gets harder as I go along, but I'm hoping that I'll lose enough weight that the little things that are hindering me aren't as much of an issue.

The worst part is the mind games. The little voices in my head that say that I can't do it, that I'm too fat and too out of shape to run, that my asthma makes it so that I'll never be able to run any decent distance without wanting to die. Today those voices shut up just long enough for me to feel somewhat confident in what I'm doing. I hope that the more I practice, the more my anxiety will go down. 

Looking back, I really needed this workout. I've had a really rough week due to a death in the family and other drama, and I really needed to burn off some steam. I'm frustrated with my current life situation, and running is a fabulous escape from all the things I can't change. I know it can only get better from here, but at this point, it's just hard to see the finish line. I feel stuck, and I'm not sure how to move forward.

Speaking of finish lines, I will be signing up for the Roosevelt Island Haunted 5k coming up in late October. It's close to home, and knowing I have a race scheduled will give me an extra push to actually finish my 5k training program for the first time EVER. I really feel like I can make it this time. I guess because part of me knows that I have to for my health. Running is easy and cheap, and it gives me a simultaneous calm and rush of energy I haven't felt in a very long time. I don't know where it'll take me, but I need this right now. I need it like I need to write in my journal and like I need to go to therapy. It's a part of me now and I don't want that to change.