Back in Stride Again

Hi, guys! I was gone for forever (which doesn't matter much because I have no audience at this point), and I really have no excuse. I got depressed, got lazy...I got to the biggest size I have ever been -- almost 200 pounds. Far too large for my small 5'4 frame.

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of clothes not fitting, spaces getting tighter, stairs feeling steeper, and just not feeling like myself. I know I can do this. I know I can look better, feel sexier, live longer. I know it doesn't have to be this way.

I've started using a free 5k program on my Runkeeper app to get me moving again. Yesterday I ran (mostly walked) 1.5 miles. Today I'll do some cross training with a Jillian Michaels DVD and then tomorrow I'm scheduled to run intervals. I hope you'll join me on this new and exciting journey!

I Love My Body NOW.

I love my body as it is today. Yes I am trying to lose weight. Yes I am hoping to improve my health, stamina, and fitness level. But I can want all of those things, including the new body that comes with those changes, without hating the body I have now.

I notice that a lot of people who are trying to lose weight hate their bodies. They struggle with self-loathing, with voices in their heads that say, "I hate myself for letting it go this far," or "I look so ugly now, if I lose weight maybe I'll be beautiful." I know this because I struggled with this the last couple of times I tried to lose weight. It doesn't help that society idealizes being thin, or that the fitness industry makes its money by convincing you that you are not good enough, but will be someday if you just do one more pushup or run that extra mile.

If there is no one else in your life who has told you this, I am telling you now -- you are beautiful. You are more than good enough. Every curve and imperfection is perfect because it's YOURS and God made it. You are a fucking superstar, and you will be whether you weigh 320 lbs. or 120 lbs. I truly believe that in order to be successful long term in this endeavor, you MUST love yourself as you are NOW, not wait until you've lost the weight. You're chasing something you already have the God-given right to have, and you'll find that weight loss won't give it to you -- it's a gift that you must give to yourself.

The Workout Boredom Blues

I'm starting to hate Week 1 of Ripped in 30.

Not because Jillian's a bad trainer. And not because it's a bad workout. It's mainly because I'm frustrated with myself.

I've been doing this workout for a couple of days (I know, I know, not that long), and I'm floored by how quickly I get tired and how much this workout wipes me out. The last time I did it, I got so winded and nauseous midway through that I had to stop. I used to be able to do the Week 1 workout easily -- it was even, dare I say it, fun. I HATE that I let myself get this out of shape.

On the bright side, working out helps immensely with my depression. It also helps me add structure to my day, something my therapist said I was lacking. I hope that the rest of the things I want, like more endurance and strength, will come with time.

Oh, one more thing. I took some "before" pics to see what my progress will be. I'm very embarrassed by them, and therefore have NO intention of posting them unless and until there's a huge enough difference in my body for it to be worth it. That may be after I finish Ripped in 30, and it may be later this year when I've reached my goal weight, which will be anywhere between 135 and 140 pounds. I'd love to get there by my birthday, but I'm willing to take things slow and not rush through this process.

Guess Who's Back? Ripped in 30 Week 1, Day 1

Hey, everyone. I know I dropped off the face of the earth for a bit, a lot was going on. But now my weight is getting a wee bit out of hand (last I checked I was 184.8 lbs). For me that's waaaaay too close to 200, which would be far too high for my height and body type.

Since it's cold and I HATE running in cold weather, I'm taking a breather from the Couch to 5k program until it gets warmer or I have access to a treadmill. In the meantime, I will be doing Jillian Michaels' Ripped in 30 video. I think the farthest I've ever gone on it was Week 2 or 3, but this time I'm determined to finish all 4 weeks and see what results I get! Here are some starting stats:

Weight: 184.8 lbs
Waist: 38 inches
Thigh: 28 inches
Bust: 43 inches
Arm: 15 inches

So a few comments on my first day -- OUCH! The first day is always the hardest, and I really struggled through the cardio intervals especially. I know my endurance will build back up over time, but it's disheartening to have such a hard time with this workout when I used to be able to do it relatively easily. I'm glad to be back on a workout regimen, though, my stress level has lowered and I have lots more energy. Once I get used to working out every day, I will slowly start adjusting my diet -- I've gotten very carried away with the sugar portions lately and it needs to stop ASAP!

5K Runner Week 3, Day 3

I can't believe I made it to the end of Week 3! I've tried this program more times than I care to remember, and this is the farthest I've gone with it. Every week I look at the new running intervals I think, "I can't do this. There's no way I can run that long." And every week I prove myself wrong. Every week I can run farther and faster than I ever dreamed. Every week I get to yell at that voice -- the one that tells me I'm fat, I'm weak, I'm useless, I can't run -- I get to tell that voice to shut up, I get to stamp it out each time my running shoes hit the pavement. Each day I feel myself becoming more and more who I was meant to be. And all this because I started running.

Still slowly but surely getting faster. I hate being this slow, but I think the walking intervals are throwing off the overall numbers. Once I start running the whole 30 minutes (the idea makes me cringe), I'll be able to get a better feel for how fast I'm going. My goal is a 10 minute mile, and from there...who knows?

5K Runner Week 3, Day 2: The Silent Runners' Club

I ran a slightly different route today, though I used the same park I always use. If I remember, I'll take pictures on a nice day to show you guys. It was kind of a blah day and the sky was overcast, so I wouldn't have gotten a good shot even if I had remembered that my iPhone has a camera and that I could snap some neat photos while I jogged.

There were lots of runners out today, and one of them, a thin blonde woman, actually made eye contact and smiled at me as we ran past one another. It was then that I realized that runners kind of have our own silent thing going on. There's so many dead giveaways that help us recognize each other, even if a runner is just walking down the street and not actually jogging. There's the bright, obnoxious shoes that few people other than runners dare to wear, there's the runner's clothes, the fleece jacket and leggings that are often color coordinated. And there's the tell-tale earbuds for music to break up the monotony of hearing one's own shallow breath for a half hour. All of these things are little pieces of what makes us runners. And it's so cool that when we see that in each other, we acknowledge it. That little smile meant the world to me. It kept me going and made me push harder. Because somewhere in that park was a girl pushing, just like me, and we could be runners together, even though we were running apart.

As you can see, I'm still horribly slow compared to more experienced runners, but I am getting faster! I hope to one day run a 10 minute mile, but I'm not rushing to get there. Right now I'm focusing on endurance rather than speed, and on good form while running so I prevent any potential injuries -- can't afford to be sidelined on my first race in December!

Falling Off the Wagon (And How I Got Back On)

Well, it happens to the best of us. We get into a routine, we make a commitment to do something, it lasts for a few weeks...and then we hit a wall. Sometimes we really are busy. Sometimes one off day seems to throw off the cycle and "ruin" the whole thing in our minds. Sometimes that annoying subconscious fear of failure is just nagging in the back of our minds, telling us we're doomed to fail anyway. But whatever the reason, our best laid plans have fallen to the wayside and we have fallen -- hard -- off the wagon.

It started when I got sick. I had a miserable cold and working out was the last thing on my mind. Then school happened. And thesis. And I got busy. Too busy to track what I was eating. Too busy to get up at 5 in the morning to run. I can't tell you how many times I put on my Under Armour workout clothes and my Saucony running shoes in an attempt to push myself to get out there. But day after day, week after week, something kept pulling me back. This is the point where I would usually give up completely, eat like a pig for a few weeks, gain a bunch of weight, and try to start the whole process again in the new year.

What made it different this time, you ask? The biggest thing was the race in December. I knew I had signed up for that race and spent the money on admission. I made a commitment to something and someone bigger than myself. And whether I ran, walked, or crawled past that finish line, I knew I was going to be there. But of all those options, I would prefer to comfortably jog across, able to run that 3.1 miles without feeling like I'm going to die. And in order to do that, I have to train.

So today I decided to do just that. I put on my running clothes, headed to the park, and picked up right where I left off -- Week 3, Day 1 of my program. I thought I would be miserable the whole time. I thought I would feel like my lungs were going to explode. But surprisingly...I got through it without much trouble. My body is slowly adapting to this new thing called exercising, and it doesn't fight me so hard when I try to do it. It was in that moment that I really began to feel like a runner, instead of a chubby girl faking it till she makes it. I look forward to the next few weeks instead of dreading them. I'm ready to see what my body can do. I'm ready to change -- one day, and one run at a time.